Revenge

Indie Ink Challenge time again. I enjoyed it so much I figured I’d give it another go. 

I was issued a challenge from Carrie over at Views From Nature.

Thanks Carrie for stretching the brain cells. They need it from time to time.

Hmmm…this one took a while to do.

Then, half asleep the words started battling around in my head, so out of bed I sprang and the following is the result.

Love to hear your opinions on it.

All feedback will be really appreciated – and taken on board.

I, in turn, challenged Rachel McGowen at learningtowhistle – and she did a great piece of writing if you want to check it out

Carrie’s challenge was:

She didn’t know how, but she had to stop the burning…

#

Revenge

The sweat melts into her frame

she dissolves,

boiling into her bones

tattooing this moment

upon her spirit

the heat of her hands

against the icy exterior

grip the herald tighter,

awaken her eyes yell

see me

as my eyes felt you

hear me

as I once tasted

your words iced with hate

blue irises fire with fear

and she loosens

the messenger

blood cools against the white linen

and the burning eases

she wraps her coat tightly against her breast

her breath exits in a frosty cloud

as she hits the floor

#

For another Indie Ink Challenge I completed check out The Watcher

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Author: Jo Bryant

I was born in the land of Banjo Paterson, gum trees, and weather extremes. I am a freelance writer. I live in the Bay of Plenty, New Zealand, but still like to claim my Australian heritage. I graduated with a Bachelor of Communications in 2008. I am writing my first novel. I love to write poetry, short stories, and also write for the web. And there is nothing that is on a par with a sunny summer's day spent at Waihi Beach.

29 thoughts on “Revenge”

  1. I could carve the feeling you convey here with a butter knife. Wow, Jo. Sounds like half asleep writing works for you…for all of us who get to read you!:)

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    1. Awww – thanks Brynne. You have really brightened my morning as I sit here will chilled hands typing – the fire died out during the night and it is cold. But hey – what’s that saying – Revenge is a dish best eaten cold. Ha !!!I’ll take mine microwaved please – now where is that damn coffee. 🙂

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  2. I am impressed. I can’t write poetry to save my life (lord help me if I get THAT as a challenge) so anyone who can is amazing. I can’t critiqwue what I don’t know but I will say I felt the heat. I pictured her clinging, wanting, needing this person and finally letting go.

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    1. Thank you so much Carrie – I was struggling with this challenge. This is reincarnation number 3 – the other two sucked. Panic helps. LOL. And thanks again for pushing my brain to think outside the box. 🙂

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  3. I enjoyed reading and being taken in by this tough, packed poem. I especially like:

    boiling into her bones

    her breath exits in a frosty cloud

    A few suggestions:
    –Cut the opening “The”
    — Since use “iced with hate,” which I like, consider using another word for “icy” in “icy exterior.”
    –Consider italicizing the five lines beginning with “see me” and ending with “hate”; they’re internal dialogue, right?

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  4. Hi Jo,

    I especially liked the lines:

    “awaken her eyes yell

    see me

    as my eyes felt you

    hear me
    as I once tasted

    your words…”

    The intertwine of senses is very powerful here, as is the anger. The emotion and images are strong.

    My critique (if I have to give one) is very particular to my own taste. I am almost always in favor of compressing things, and I’m a huge fan of fairly consistent punctuation, even though it feels mundane, as it can really help a reader follow something. I really like this poem, but I had to read it a few times before I could completely follow the lines. I think I am a super literal reader (and I DO understand that some mystery as to how lines fit together is good ), but I felt if you used commas a little bit more to separate thoughts it would have been easier for me to immediately understand. On the counter side–the ambiguity of things running together can be very strong–so it’s kind of a balancing act.

    In terms of compression–the emotions are so strong here I would take care not to dilute them too much even with clever images or thoughts. So I would consider deleting “tattooing this moment upon her spirit” since this seemed to sidetrack me from the heat of the moment, and also felt a little less original than your other lines. (Boiling her bones also feeds into heating her hands really well.)

    I would also think of cutting “iced with hate” unless you moved it into a line about the eyes. I love the idea of “hear me as I once tasted your words.” I feel like the extra description of the iced with hate weakens the emotion rather than strengthens it especially since it’s hard to imagine someone actually saying those words, unlike the others. (Yes, the hot/cold is clever, but the mixture of hear and taste is very powerful, without crowding it.

    At any rate–hope this isn’t too much. I have very particular and probably peculiar tastes, so obviously you’ll take them with a grain of salt! (Which I rarely use. Ha.)

    Thanks for the opportunity of reading and commenting, and know that I only critique because I like.

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    1. Oh wow – what a wonderful thing it was to come on here and see the intense effort you have put into this critique. I feel wooefully inadequate with what I said to you – but it was hard to be critical as I loved what you had written.
      🙂
      You made some very valid and pertinent points here about the poem.
      I shall do some mulling over the weekend and perhaps work on a rewrite. I put it up for critique because I do think it needs tweaking – I’m just not sure where yet.
      Thank you, thank you, thank you for this.
      🙂
      I’m a happy girl now.

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  5. PS – in terms of punctuation–I once wrote a poem called “Honor Killing” and I’m willing to bet that I didn’t follow any of my own prescriptions! I did spend a lot of time compressing though. Very hard.

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    1. Compressing is hard. I had a wonderful poetry tutor at university, and he told me once that every word in a poem had to earn the right to be there – I try to remember that whenever I write.

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  6. oo i like the intensity in this…fine bit of story telling and heavy with emotion….she loosens the messenger has a great ring to it…manic gave you some solid things to think on which is exciting to me…well done….

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    1. Love that you like its intensity Brian.
      🙂
      Manic had a great deal to say – I am very excited to take apart some of his suggestions, play around with them in the poem – see what fits/what doesn’t. His thoughts have given me clearer eyes to review it with.

      Like

There are two things I know for certain. One: Bert and Ernie are gay. Two: I want to hear your opinion.

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