The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20′s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40′s, and a preacher when in her 60′s, and now – in her 80′s – a funeral director The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it…)
She smiled and explained: “I married
One for the money,
Two for the show,
Three to get ready,
And four to go!”
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
3. Now meet the dog who apparently loves the water, can swim but chooses not to…
This is my version of a recipe that was adapted from another version by a chef at the Auckland Heritage Hotel. It tasted amazing. I did not have a straight up muffin tin so they were not as high I think. Next time I might investigate using baking paper in the tins and making them higher. I also want to try making them with lemons, limes or grapefruit.
1 large orange
1/4 cup of castor sugar
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
8 free range eggs
200-220g of ground almonds
185g of castor sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
First off you have to put the orange in a pot and cover it with cold water. This was interesting as the orange kept floating higher and higher in the pot. Eventually I gave up and just hoped for the best. Then stir in the 1/4 cup castor sugar and slowly bring it to the boil. Cover the pot and leave it to simmer gently for about 1 1/2 hours, turning the orange occasionally.
Then go and have a nice glass of wine with a friend while you chat and wait for the 1 1/2 hours to pass. Or you could watch a good movie together.
Now it is time to take the orange out and let it cool. Once cooled chop the orange in to segments and get rid of any pips.
Make sure you have an audience who will cheer you on as you continue to make this masterpiece.
Get a frypan, add water and bring it to a simmer. Add the apple cider vinegar. Now crack open three of the eggs and poach until they are just cooked. Don’t ask me what that means. I like mine a little runny still.
Then take the eggs out and allow them to cool down. If you like them a little runny like me…for God’s sake…don’t drop any. At least try not to. However, if you do stay calm. Do not let the BIG GREEN monster out. You will regret it.
Next step…have another glass of wine. Especially if you dropped one of the poached eggs.
Now we get to the serious part…preheat your oven. About 160%C. Lightly grease your muffin tin [a 12 muffin muffin tin]. Make sure the Muffin Man has left home first.
Put the ground almonds and sugar in a nice BIG bowl. Yes people, you need a BIG bowl. Take it from me who spent a lot of time wiping down benches and clothing from NOT using a BIG bowl.
Add the chopped orange segments, the remaining five eggs and the three [hopefully you still have three] poached eggs.
Turn on the beater and go for it. Do not worry if there is any heckling in the front rows.
I told you you need a BIG bowl. I am NOT kidding.
You have to beat the mixture until the mixture becomes smooth. Divide the mixture between the 12 muffin holes.
Bake for 40 minutes.
It is now time to have glass of wine number three. A bold full bodied one is recommended here.
Take a wooden skewer and test the muffins.
If it comes out clean you are done. Turn out on to a wire rack and cool. This is the time to take a rest.
This is great if you top it with one of the following.
Then grate either some orange peel or dark chocolate over.
Last step…pour another glass of wine and eat. And remember you are a super hero…
Now…just because this is funny…hamsters are insanely good at falling over ‘dead’, but OMG…the parrot at 50 seconds in, I nearly wet my pants laughing !!!!
Although Sunday has come and gone here…I couldn’t resist taking part in Jake’s Easter post.
I thought I would start off my Easter post with an ‘awwwwww’ moment.
Well…a couple of them actually.
Then a touch of humour with a mix of creativity…who can resist a fluffy bunny ???
And some more Easter fun…
I’m an egg !!!!
Oh no…pink bunny ears !!
Am I a good egg or bad ???
So yes I know this has actually nothing to do with Easter…but…I couldn’t help myself once I started.
Hmmm…well you just know I didn’t stop there !
I thought in ending I should probably get back to the subject of Easter.
I hope the Bunny was good to everyone. Time for me to hop off and do something like walk the dog.
But before I do…I would like everyone to remember this Easter the bunnies who live lives in cages in laboratories all around the world. Many put through very cruel treatments so that people feel safe using cosmetics. Luckily countries like India and others are now banning these practises. I wish I could say New Zealand was part of the movement but it isn’t. If you can take just a minute and e-mail your MP [wherever you live], and tell them it is not okay to torture animals, I know they would thank you if they could.
And on a completely self serving note…Chronicles is in the Australian Best blogs Competition this year. If you want to vote for me and the blog in the PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARDS…click on the badge below and go nuts !!! The link will take you to the page…scroll down in until you hit ‘C’ and we are listed under CHRONICLES OF ILLUSIONS. Click the box…then [and I am sorry about this] you have to scroll down and keep clicking next until you get to the page where you fill in your name and e-mail address.
The fur babies and I would like to say thanks in advance !!!!