I love it when my friends send me these e-mails - even if at the moment I have to wait 24 minutes for it to actually open... ********************************************************************* IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: These are actual questions and answers given in trials. Names have been omitted to protect the bar association from having to re-test everyone. ***************** ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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I’ve seen these before and even saved them, but they still made me laugh out loud. Too funny!
Lee
Tossing It Out
Enjoy my delightful interview with Susan Kane on
Wrote By Rote Saturday 11/26
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I’ve seen them before as well – but laughed so much when I got them again I just had to put them up.
🙂
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I needed that laugh today!!! You just made my day very cheerful and full of laughter!
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Well that comment just made my day.
🙂
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Hi Jo.. Hope you are well my friend… Ive seen some of these lol. but had forgotten them.. so enjoyed reading them.. so funny some of them.. wishing you love…And sending a few Hugs down-under… xxx (( Hugs))
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Hi Sue – happy to hear they brought you some enjoyment. 🙂
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These are hilarious!
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Hi Kate – thank you – glad to hear you liked them. 🙂
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Brilliant Jo, i never seen them before i think the last one is the best.
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They are pretty funny Harry – I liked the last one too.
🙂
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hahaha, these are funy! 😀
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So are the people who said them. 🙂
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I’ll respond to this post in due course but first I’ve mentioned you in my latest blog – be sure to take a read…
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Thank you so much Marcia – hmmmmmmm – or was it Christine…hehe…still makes me giggle. Poor old DP.
😉
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I seen this Joe 🙂
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I have too Harry – but it still makes me laugh – and I love to share laughter.
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LOL. 😀 Thank you VERY much for sharing!
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You are VERY welcome.
🙂
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That is really funny!! Made me laugh whilst reading it 🙂
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I had a few giggles myself.
🙂
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I think my sides have actually split! Excuse me, medical attention needed….
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I might have to find some crazy stuff DOCTORS say next time…hehehe
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OMG … this made my day … I think I like the IQ of 20 the most … Love always, cat.
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So glad be be of assistance Cat – there are so many good ones I don’t know which is really my favourite.
🙂
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Nice post Jo Funny , 🙂
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Thanks Jake
🙂
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LOL! I worked for lawyers for 30 years and these always make me laugh! Keep them coming! We need all the laughter we can get these days! I could also tell you some horror stories! But I think I’ll save them for the book I’ve been threatening to write. LOL! Thanks!
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