Dumb things people say…

I love it when my friends send me these e-mails - even if at the moment I have to wait 24 minutes for it to actually open...   
*********************************************************************   IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are  things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. 
 

 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
 ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS: My name is Susan!

 _______________________________
 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

 WITNESS: July 18th. 
 ATTORNEY: What year? 
 WITNESS: Every year. 
 _____________________________________ 
 ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
 WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
 ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? 
 WITNESS: Forty-five years. 
 _________________________________
 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS: I forget.
 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 ___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ____________________________________

 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
 ___________________________________________ 
 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: Getting laid
 ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death.
 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS: Take a guess.
 ___________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
 _____________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
 WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS: Oral...
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
 ______________________________________
 And last:
These are actual questions and answers given in trials.  Names have been omitted to protect the bar association from having to re-test everyone.
*****************
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Author: Jo Bryant

I was born in the land of Banjo Paterson, gum trees, and weather extremes. I am a freelance writer. I live in the Bay of Plenty, New Zealand, but still like to claim my Australian heritage. I graduated with a Bachelor of Communications in 2008. I am writing my first novel. I love to write poetry, short stories, and also write for the web. And there is nothing that is on a par with a sunny summer's day spent at Waihi Beach.

28 thoughts on “Dumb things people say…”

  1. Hi Jo.. Hope you are well my friend… Ive seen some of these lol. but had forgotten them.. so enjoyed reading them.. so funny some of them.. wishing you love…And sending a few Hugs down-under… xxx (( Hugs))

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  2. LOL! I worked for lawyers for 30 years and these always make me laugh! Keep them coming! We need all the laughter we can get these days! I could also tell you some horror stories! But I think I’ll save them for the book I’ve been threatening to write. LOL! Thanks!

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